


bottom.

by awhnature



Series: beachboy [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, mcyt
Genre: Angst, Daddy Issues, Fantasy, Flashbacks, Fluff, Homophobia, Hospital, Illegal behavior, Inspired by Music, Intrusive Thoughts, Lakes, M/M, Mutual Pining, PTSD, Poor Dream, Speeding, Teen Angst, bottom by mccafferty, honestly way too much angst, mcyt - Freeform, sapnap just wants to help, sapnap mom friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awhnature/pseuds/awhnature
Summary: a dreamnotfound story inspired by the song Bottom by McCaffertyin which dream finds himself living alone in a big world full of mindless threats, and george finds himself miles away from the one person he wants to be with.[started november 2020]
Relationships: dreamnotfound - Relationship
Series: beachboy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2115726
Comments: 15
Kudos: 117





	1. 00 : intro

it had been a long time, longer than he'd like to admit, that dream has experienced true and honest physical contact. loving physical contact. the kind that fills you with the warm satisfaction of being cared about. the kind that reminds you it's important to be alive. dream blamed this on quarantine. dream has started blaming a lot of things on quarantine though. 

he had been planning on moving, but quarantine ruined that, not the fact that he had been too lazy to pack in time. he had truly wanted to go visit his friends in england, quarantine ruined that, not the fear that they'd hate him. he had wanted to do a face reveal at a convention, quarantine ruined that, not him feeling that the internet would turn against him if they knew what he looked like. not that he thought he'd suddenly be uninteresting. not that he he thought everyone was going to eventually turn against him. 

he didn't like blaming things on himself though. he was too cocky to blame himself. he already felt enough self deprivation, so he never blamed himself. he acted strong and tough, like he could deal with the real world, but he knew he couldn't, so he sat back and made money off of play video games for people's entertainment. he thought he was going to work at an animal shelter when he was older. he never thought he'd have to sit at his computer all day just to make money. he also never thought he'd have to pay an old friend so that they wouldn't release blackmail material they had against him.


	2. 01 : collarbones

heavy breathing was the only audible noise erupting from dream's room. this was accompanied by thick sweat falling down his dry skin. it was inordinately hot in his room that night. that didn't help the dizziness. the amount of heat was near fatal as it bludgeoned against his skull. he had just woken from a dream, a bad one. a dream where his legs were unmovable as they seemed to have been broken, his arms folded against the concrete they pressed against and his screams for help were muffled by the spiders escaping his throat.

dream shot up in bed, breath hard, trying to regain consciousness. his sweaty hands gripped onto the gray bed sheets. he swallowed hard, it stung his throat. a wave of nausea passed through him like a ghost in a haunted mansion. pulling his shirt off, he throw the sweat covered t-shirt into the black abyss of his room. he pushed back his damp hair in hopes to see better; it wasn't helping. he brought his knees up to his shoulders, gripping his legs in his long arms. 

his legs were still there. his arms were not broken. there were no spiders. after a moment of realization, he caught his breath, straightening out his legs, laying back in bed. he panted lightly. he brought his arms up to his shoulders, thumbs lightly grazing his collarbones. collarbones.

"clay what the hell, put a shirt on." 

"but it's hot!"

"no one wants to see that."

"sure you do-" 

dream's hand fluttered up to his cheek. he could still feel the punch; the punch that caused more emotional pain than physical pain to him when he was fourteen. he had just been joking. he didn't mean to make anyone uncomfortable. it was just a joke. a dumb fucking joke. that's all he was. a dumb fucking joke, to everyone. bulbous tears threatened to pour from his green eyes, but he had no wall of protection. he subconsciously let sobs be ripped from him, thick tears pouring down his cheeks. he let down the dam that had been keeping back these memories and tears. his hands gripped into his collarbones. he still felt their skin there, next to him, against him. he cried harder. he didn't want to feel it, he didn't want to feel. he wanted to rip his skin off and crawl into his own grave that he had drug prior. 

then there was that noise. the noise he hated so fucking much. it was an innocent ringtone, but not to him. it was a threat to him. he rubbed his eyes, hoping his eyes weren't bleeding, and picked up his phone. 

6 missed calls from Kristen

dream opened his texts from kristen.

kristen

clay  
clay pick up i know your fucking awake

sorry, i'm up now

dont fucking lie to me i know you were up earlier  
stop ignoring me, you know what time it is

im sorry kris

you better be  
dont wanna risk this shit coming out an ruining your career do you?  
stupid shit   
just venmo me the money fairy

yeah i'll do that

after paying off blackmail for months, clay had gotten used to the ugly nausea that filled his stomach when he opened venmo. everytime he opened it, he considered blocking kris' number and moving on with his life, bracing to deal with future consequences. he was in all honesty, too pussy. 

kristen

make it 200

kris

dont fucking call me that  
200 or the deals off

right

opening venmo once more, he sent another 50. dream shut his phone off and laid in bed. he was nauseous again. the blonde sat up, brushing his hair back again, and grabbing a clean shirt. stumbling into the kitchen, getting a glass and pouring some cold water into it. he stared down at the glass in his hand. it was soon clear he couldn't swallow. his throat wouldn't let him. he felt he might puke. he placed the glass down and walked to the bathroom instead, slumping down on the floor. he felt so small, so weak. he gripped the sides of the toilet so hard he feared it might break. eventually he did vomit, a lot more than he thought. it looked like blood and guts, but he knew that wasn't it. it was too dark in the bathroom. he flushed the toilet and fumbled back to the kitchen, throat feeling more open. he picked up the glass, and drank all the water faster than he thought he would. he stared at the glass in his hands, barely noticed how hard he was gripping it. he wondered how long he could hold it before-

it shattered. everywhere. he barely moved. his hand was bleeding, that was obvious. 

"clay?" a familiar voice called. he looked up. it was his younger sister. "clay what happened, are you ok?" she ran towards him, but soon noticed all the glass. "clay get away from the glass." dream did. he walked over to the kitchen table, staring down at his bleeding hand. drista was quick to turn the light on and start cleaning up the glass. dream suddenly heard the bombarding footsteps he hated.

"drista what is going on?" it was their father. 

"clay broke a glass." dream never had a great relationship with his dad.

"and he made you clean it up?" dream figured his dad just never liked him that much.

"no, he's hurt. i chose to clean it up for him." he believed he was truly a disappointment to his dad.

"go to bed sweetie." he never wanted to be a disappointment. "clay get up and clean this mess. you're an adult now boy, you can't make people do you're bidding like servants just because you're popular now." dream wonder if his dad was disgusted by having him as a son. 

"clay you look at me when i'm talking to you." dream looked up. "you clean this mess up and then go to bed. and in the morning, you better be fucking out of my house." dream swallowed and nodded. 

"what boy?"

"yes sir." 

"good. you have to face the real world if you're ever going to be a real man." and with that, he left. dream felt silent tears fall from his eyes. he ignored them though and looked back down at his hand. he pulled out the piece of glass, holding back a scream. he ran to get gase and bandages, cleaning his would. he stopped wrapping his hand, and he heard his parents yelling. they yelled a lot. he hated it. his dad didn't deserve his mother. he picked up where his sister left off in sweeping, throwing away the broken glass. 

"clay." a soft voice called. he looked down at his mother. "don't listen to your father. i know you're still looking for a place to stay. you do not have to leave bye tomorrow, but he.." she stopped, tearing up a bit. he hated when his mother cried. it made him want to cry. she was so strong, he felt weak when she cried. 

"he wants you out by the end of this week. i'm scared what he'd do to you if you weren't out bye then." she cried softly. dream put his hands on his mom's shoulders. 

"it's alright mom." he said softly "i'll stay with nick for a bit while im looking for places to stay."

"i always liked nick." she said smiling, tears still in her eyes. he nodded, and pulled her into a hug. they hugged softly before he pulled away. 

"i'll finish cleaning up then go to bed." he said. she nodded.

"good night clay."

"good night mom." he replied. she smiled and left the room. dream looked down at his hand. he sighed, and looked away. there was no more glass so he turned the light off and went back to his room, picking up his phone. he ignored the texts from kristen and went straight to sapnap's contact.

hey sorry this is all sudden and shit but my dad is being a whore like normal so is it cool if i stay at your house for a bit? if not thats cool too

he waited a bit for a response but decided to go to sleep instead. he threw his phone in the general direction of his bedside table and flipped over in bed, hoping his dreams would be better now.


	3. 02 : brian

the world seems dark with your eyes closed, but when you open your eyes, suddenly you realize that the world is dark no matter if your eyes are closed or not. dream found this out the hard way. when you find yourself splashing around in a freezing cold lake at twelve pm on a friday, trying to get your head above your feet and out of the water, you realize that no matter if your eyes are open or closed, you're still drowning.

dream sat up bolt right in bed again, running his hands through his ash blonde hair, trying to calm himself down. he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry more like he had the night before. he couldn't bring himself to it, he wanted to seem strong. he knew he was lying to himself though. thoughtlessly, he reached over for his phone. all he was met with was a cold bedside table. he pushed himself out of bed, dropping to his knees to feel around for his phone.

eventually he located it, and noticed multiple messages from his friends.

2 missed calls from Sapnap

8 messages from Sapnap

4 messages from Gogy

he wondered why george was texting him, but figured sapnap just worried the shit out of him. dream opened his messages from sapnap.

sapnap

sure dude, my place is open for you anytime  
should i be worried about your dad tho?  
he's not going to hurt you right?  
dude i will come get you so fast if he hurts you  
also why were you up at 2 am  
you're probably asleep  
please tell me you're asleep and not dead  
wait you couldn't tell me either way

i am not dead  
also i have no idea what my dad plans on doing  
my mom seemed so scared tho

HE'S ALIVE  
if you have some weird messages from george, dont worry about it  
do you want me to come over to help you pack?

oh alright  
no dumbass its like a 20 hour drive

too bad im omw

nick im serious, im fine  
i'll pack everything that important and take it to your place. i'll get everything else another time

what happened to that apartment you almost bought?

missed my opportunity to buy it

shit dude that sucks 

yeah, its fine lol  
i gotta go, but that you a lot dude

np :)

dream threw his phone behind him, hoping desperately it landed on his bed. he stared into his closet, wondering if it looked more welcoming on the inside. he wanted to hide, away from everything else. he was a fucking adult still living with his parents because he couldn't fucking find a place to stay. maybe he just didn't want to leave his mom. maybe he just wasn't ready. he wanted to hide, hide away in a small closet, covered in dirty laundry and books he'd never read. 

"clay?" his eyes shot up. drista stood there, still in pajamas, with a half smile on her face. a smile that soon dropped as she ran over to him.

"clay have up been crying?" she asked. he felt his face with his uninjured hand. he had been crying. he sniffed and nodded, wondering how long he had truly been sitting there. drista sighed and sat down on the floor next to him.

"i'm sorry about dad." she admitted, staring into her brother's closet as well. "you don't deserve to be treated like that."

"you don't have to be sorry." dream responded softly. "it's not your fault." drista looked over at him, then back into the closet.

"i know," she sighed "but still. he's a dickhead." 

dream laughed. "yeah he is a dickhead." it felt good to say that. the two sat there in a satisfied silence. they were not thinking the same things, but they were thinking similar thoughts. they both wanted physical contact. drista wanted to hug her brother, make sure he was ok. she doubted she would be able to help him that much, but she wanted to try.

dream wanted to punch the shit out of his dad. maybe he also wanted a hug, but he mainly wanted his dad to feel the pain that he did that day. that day that his dad told him to go out with "friends" and have fun. that's what boys do, he was told, they just have fun. it wasn't fun for him. it wasn't fun to be punched and pushed into a cold and dark lake and left to drown. 

brian had a strong arm too. dream could never forget what it felt like to be punched in the face. it hurt to think about. he remembered thinking his neck was broken. he almost broke it when he fell back into the lake too.

"he said put a shirt on homo!"

he remembered watching them run away, leaving him to drown, or freeze, or be eaten. it was florida, anything could've happened. he never thought that was going to happen though. he thought the older boy just wanted to help him. that's all he wanted, some help.

"clay!" his sister snapped him out of whatever he was remembering. "you're crying again.."

he felt his face again. he was crying. shit, he really had to stop doing that. 

"do you want a hug?" she asked. dream met eyes with his sister, and nodded. she smiled and reached her arms out. they hugged like they did 10 years ago when dream had gotten into the first bad fight with his dad and earned a black eye. drista was only 4, but she knew that wasn't right. she hugged dream the second he came back to his room. he didn't appreciate it that much then, but he wish he had. she was always there for him. she was the only one who was always there for him. he trusted her. he could tell her. he could tell her was brian did. he could tell her what the older boy did. he could tell her was kristen was doing. he trusted her. 

"drista" he spoke softly. she pulled away from him to look in his eyes. "i need to tell you something." 

"you can tell me anything clay." she said, smiling sympathetically. he opened his mouth. there were no spiders. he didn't have to yell. he'd be able to tell her. someone else would know-

"drista honey you have a school event!" their mom called. dream felt his breath escape him. the spiders were back. 

"shit i'm sorry clay" she sighed, standing up, "you can tell me when i get back ok?" he nodded. she smiled as she left. he watched her leave. there goes another opportunity. 

\-------------

a/n|  
only angst here buddy :)


	4. 03 : call me when im crying

his eyes burned so he didn't bother crying anymore. hopping over to his desk, he sat down and opened discord. the messages were loud and annoying, so he went to youtube instead. remembering that george had texted him he got up again, picking his phone up off his bed. he carried it over to his desk and sat down again, opening messages.

gogy

nick is worrying the shit outta me  
are you ok clay?

you can talk to me y'know?

thanks george

took ya long enough

sorry i was talking with my sister

its perfectly fine 

d̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶n̶a̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶l̶?̶  
are you busy?

nope  
why do you ask?

i̶ ̶k̶i̶n̶d̶a̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶  
just wondering

oh alright  
im here whenever you need me clay

thank you

he placed his phone down feeling defeated. he wasn't good at talking to his friends about things that happened to him, he wasn't good at opening up. he had so many chances to tell people, and he hadn't. he couldn't do it. he was just going to sit there and rot in his own mind. someone would have to come clean up the rotting of course. maybe they'd find his secrets. maybe they'd tell his story the right way. maybe,

maybe he should get packing. yeah, that sounds like a good idea. the faster he got out the better. it would be better for his mental health anyway. he got out of his desk, walking to his closet, the place he'd rather rot in than his mind. he got out the duffle bag he got from camp years ago. he planned on packing just the necessities, some clothes and a self hygiene shit. he through his lap top and some important books into the duffle bag too before zipping it up. he looked around his room making sure there was nothing else he should get. 

he hurried out to his car, figuring he could come back to get the rest another time. he hit the rode quickly, never wanting to return to the fucking town every again. he quickly pulled out of his driveway, onto the road, forgetting where he was going. he stopped at the lake on the way out. he parked his car, looking out. his nick hurt. he turned his head, and there it was. that fucking house.

"don't worry kid, i got some towles"

"thank you jay, really."

"anytime clay."

he was so nice, so welcoming. dream thought he could trust the older boy, the boy who knew so much. you can't trust the older kids. 

"y'know, it's ok to like boys"

dream didn't remember how jason convinced him to go into his room that smelled like dirty laundry and weed. 

"i- i don't-"

"you don't have to lie to me."

he was so close. dream could've just reached out and..

"here let me show you."

punched him.

dream wished he had punched him. if dream had known what was going to happen at the time, he would've punched him. he just let the older, wiser, taller, prettier boy do it to him. there was nothing he could do. he had felt so weak, so hopeless. 

"what are you doing to my brother?"

kristen.

"kristen he made the first move he was all over me, fucking faggot!"

dream remembering feeling so petrified. he had no idea what to say. 

"no.." 

"get out of my house!"

and he did. he ran so far. home. home wasn't any better though. 

dream's head shot up, tears falling in his lap. he slammed his head on his steering wheel, tears spilling out everywhere. he couldn't see. he just cried. yelled out for absolutely no one. he wanted to be held, to be cared about. but all he could do was cry. cry and yell until he couldn't breathe. he thought he might pass out. he just cried more, and more. 

that ringtone, a different ringtone. the happy one. the one that made him hopeful. he groped around for his phone, eventually finding it and answering george.

"hey clay, how are you?" george asked. god he sounded so sweet. like he cared, there was no way he could actually care, no one actually-

"clay?"

"yeah sorry im here." 

"i'm not you're teacher." george giggled. "how are you stupid?"

"i'm" considering crashing my car "good." dream lied.

"your voice sounds so hoarse, have you been yelling?"

"no just tired." dream lied more.

"oh." george paused. "where are you?"

that fucking lake "my car." 

"are you driving?" george asked. "i can hang up-"

"no no i'm parked" next to that fucking lake 

"oh that's good." george sighed. "where are you going?"

to crash my car "nick's place." 

"oh."

a pause. 1, 2.. 3

"clay are you sure you're ok?"

no. yes. no. yes. no. yes. no. "yeah"

another pause. a longer pause. a satisfactory pause. 

"i should get to driving." dream said after a while.

"yeah that sounds like a good idea." george laughed quietly, "stay safe."

"i" wont "will. bye george."

"bye clay."

beep.

"FUCK." he yelled, slamming his hands against his wheel. he had to stop this whole lying shit. he could trust george. george would listen, george cared. he was going to break his steering wheel.

after a while of sitting in his car debating on crashing or going to nick's, he decided to start the 20 hour drive to his texan friend's house. it wasn't a great time for dream to be driving, he was way too tired. he rubbed his eyes in between turning lanes, and his vision still blurred when trying to read street signs. he decided to stop in the parking lot of a walmart after driving for a few hours. it was dark and he was tired. 

he parked his car and turned it off before lowering his chair, curling up into a ball and pulling a loose blanket over him. he made sure his phone was off, and laid there for a bit, letting his walls down and letting his thoughts get to him. they were bad this time. just.. thinking about

george.

he cared. didn't he? of course, he had too. it would be unreasonable for george to put up with him if he didn't care about him. and oh did dream care about george. probably more than he should. he got emotionally attached too quickly. but god, was he in love. when he stopped thinking of the many ways he could end his own suffering, he thought about george. his hair, his eyes, his smile, his laugh. the way that when he said "i love you" he actually meant it. 

dream smiled.  
he actually did.  
he smiled.  
and then he fell asleep.

\---------  
a/n|  
that ending sucked now go read heat waves lol


	5. 04 : dreams are better than nightmares

all things aside, waking up in a car is never the best place to wake up in, but waking up without feeling threatened and without those continuing nightmares? that was a win in dream's book. he pushed aside the blankets and things that constructed his makeshift bed and picked up his half dead phone. it was around 10 am. he leaned back in his seat, attempting to remember his dream.

he was under the lake water again, pushed down and farther down. no one was at the top to pull him out. when he thought he was going to drown it was suddenly very clear he was still sinking, but air was in his lungs. sinking through the sky? no he was falling. where, he had no idea. he landed softly on what felt like clouds. is this was nick meant when he said getting high was like sleeping on clouds? was he high? 

"you ask so many questions." a voice giggled. it sounded like mist. where the hell did it come from?

"clay im right here, look over." the voice was moving closer to him and he whipped around on the cloud. it was george, but it also wasn't. it was the idea of george. it wasn't alive, it wasn't whole. it was comfort though, and it was caring. it circled him, grasping all his open skin, holding him close, closer than anyone ever had. and he wasn't scared. 

he wasn't scared. george was his safe haven. he could open up to george, he could tell someone about what happened. maybe lifting that weight was the first thing in recovery. he picked up his phone, suddenly knowing what he needed to do. without thinking, he made the call to the one person he trusted to listen. 

"george!" he cheered when the other join. his voice was filled with relief. 

"what's going on dream?" the brit chuckled, leaning back in his chair. 

dream opened his mouth to talk but the words faltered there at the edge of his tongue. he bit down as if that'd help him talk. all the confidence he had whisked away. what if george blamed him for what happened, it was his fault anyway. but george would listen. would he really? would he even care? 

"clay?" the older's voice rung through the phone speaker, hoping to catch the blonde's attention. 

dream let out a faltered breath. "i'm sorry, nevermind." he ended the call abruptly, throwing his phone back down someone in the passenger's seat and backing out before the walmart employees called the cops on him. 

he drove in autopilot. it was safe but he was in no way paying attention. he just headed for the general direction of nick's house. he was probably speeding but he didn't care. it felt like flying. wonder what felt the equivalent to dying. crashing his car maybe? he was too unconscious to make brash decisions though and instead made his way to his friend's house as fast as legally possible, ignoring the notifications buzzing his dying phone. 

he had driven the day away. darkness filled the sky as the moon began to show itself and shone it's own light. dream barely noticed. all he cared about was making it to sapnap's house before 12 am so he could get a reasonable amount of sleep. 

nick's house was harder to find than the blonde remembered but he did end up finding it. without thinking, he parked his car and walked up to the front door. fist raised, forgetting to knock or not. instead, he rung the doorbell, fearing a knock would shatter his hand. there was loud clamoring in the background as the door was thrown open. the shorter boy stood there, pulling dream into a hug while yapping about how worried everyone was. the blonde barely heard anything but hugged the other back. 

"clay are you alright?" nick asked, pulling out of the embrace. dream stood there, not really sure how to answer. he decided to nod, figuring lies were the best way out of this situation. "do you need help bringing things inside?" dream nodded again, not wanting to leave the other's side. the two boys grabbed the taller's bags from his car. dream locked it before they made their way inside. 

nick showed his friend to the spare room in his house. it had a bed and not much else. there was a nice window seat though. it had come with the house and nick knew he'd have his friends over so he decided not to turn it into a different room. dream sat down on the bed, eyes not leaving the floor. the younger turned the light on, sitting next to his friend. dream allowed sap to place an arm on his back, rubbing circles sympathetically. 

"you get some rest alright?" nick stood up "we'll talk in the morning." before leaving, he embracing his friend once more, hoping desperately the blonde was ok. once nick left, dream flopped down in the bed, not bothering pulling the covers over him. he laid there, not sure if he was ready to fall asleep. he could have another dream about the mist, the mist that protected him from the lake. he could also have another nightmare. he didn't was sap to worry about him. the older turned onto his side, grabbed one of the pillows and wrapping his arms around it like a stuffed animal. it was the only comfort he was getting at this point. it didn't take long for the tired boy to fall into a deep slumber. 

"clay you're back!" the mist was here again. he turned on his back. why was he still in bed? the rest of the room was gone, only his bed suspended in mid air. not falling, simply floating. the mist blurred around him. "i was worried about you."

"everyone seems to be." he muttered. the mist perched on the edge of the bed, dream watched the bed dip slightly at the other's weight. 

"with good reason." the mist told him. it floated around him, like a snake or a fox tail. he felt the warm mist in front of him and suddenly george's dark eyes were visible, his face began lighting up too as the mist took on its human form. dream reached out, wanted to be held by the mist again, but it pulled back and george was gone. he was alone. he was sitting on the bed, alone in the room again. it was dark and he was grounded. 

and then he was awake. 

__________  
a/n   
it was due time i updated this! please comment thoughts im really proud of this story so far  
the chapters will get longer and longer and expect more soon!


	6. 05 : creature comfort

dream laid there, cold air filtering around him, the warmness of the mist gone. he felt empty almost, hopeless. not much noise was audible, only the creaking of nick's bed in the other room. the other boy must be just as sleepless as dream was. he rolled onto his side, eyes falling onto the window seat. pushing himself out of bed, he walked over to the window. he sat down on the flat pillow that lay there, eyes falling outside onto the dark street. gingerly, he opened the window letting the cold night air in. he sat there, wondering if the mist would blow through, throwing warm air in his face. the mist was gone though, and he was awake.

knowing it would be a while until, he closed the window and pushed himself off the window seat. the blonde made his way out of his door and into the hallway of sapnap's house. he stood there for a while, not sure what to do. remembering where he left his phone, he trudged out of the hallway. dream's keys rested on the counter where he left them, he grabbed them and walked out to his car. unlocking it, he felt around for his phone and eventually located it. 

he made his way back to the house quietly. dying phone in hand, he placed his keys back on the counter and trudged back to his room. he pulled out his phone charger in hopes to save his phone. plugging it in, he layed back on his bed and waited. he waited for a long time, thoughts buzzing through his head. his notifications started going off and he shot up in bed. maybe ghosting george all day was a bad idea. it wasn't his fault though. he had no idea what to say to him. opening his messages, he read through the hundreds of missed texts from george.

gogy

clay what's wrong?  
what happened?  
where did you go  
?

clay?  
please tell me if you're ok

im worried

are you still on the road?  
please be safe

did i do something wrong?

clay im really worried about you  
please tell me you're ok, im scared

dream's eyes burned with guilt as he read over the frantic messages. he sighed, deciding it was due time he answered. his thumbs faltered, not sure what to type.

can you call?

CLAY  
sorry yes i can call  
i thought something bad happened

im sorry

[call started 00:00] 

"hey george." his speech felt raw and foreign. he hadn't heard himself talk in what felt like forever. he waited carefully for the boy on the other end to answer. 

"you scared me." there was lines of disappointment laced in george's answer. dream choked on his word. he leaned back against the wall.

"im really sorry." dream managed. his throat was tight and it was difficult for him to answer without leaking the tears the were building up in his eyes. george could hear the pain in his voice and decided not to press forward on the conversation. 

"it's alright clay." george reassured him, repositioning in his chair. "are you alright now?" 

"mhm" clay answered, "im at nick's now." 

"that's good." there was a bit of a reassuring silence before george decided to continue. "what were you trying to tell me earlier?" dream choked again, sliding from the wall to the bed, completely laying down. 

"im not sure." he answered in all honesty. "i think" he hesitated, not sure what to say nor how to say it. it was george's turn to choke, holding back every question he had. 

"you can tell me whatever's on your mind." george finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. dream already knew that. he knew he could open up with george but something still stopped him. he was always bad at letting down those barriers and opening up. he sighed, rolling over in bed.

"its hard" he mumbled, words soft and barely audible. george understood what he said though. 

"what is?" the older asked, still worried about pushing clay too much. dream laid there a bit, still trying to figure out what to say. he buried his face in the pillow, wondering if he could suffocate himself right there. he didn't though, bringing his head back up and groaning quietly, a hand wondering through his messy fawn hair. 

"if opening up is supposed to make people feel better, why does it hurt so much to do?" his question was blunt and neither really expected him to ask it. when george didn't answer, dream continued. "holding all this back is killing me george, but the idea of letting it out it- its killing me more. im being burned from both ends." 

no one talked. there was absolute and painful silence. it felt like daggers in dream's spine and his finger levitated over the button that ended the call. this was the most painful part. 

"im sorry george." he mumbled, almost hanging up.

"wait." the word from the other end caused his hand to falter. he pulled it back, resting his head in his arms. "i understand what you mean." george managed a sentence, still in shock after what dream told him. "im never good at advice, but i'd listen to you for hours clay. whatever you need to get out, i- i'll put out the fire." 

there was another painful silence. clay could barely breathe, eyes wide and watery. his grip on the pillow under him loosened and he didn't move. george wasn't sure what to do or say, so he sat in his chair stilly, hands fiddling with the chair. 

"thank you" the blonde managed, voice raspy and quiet. "i- i don't think i can manage to talk about it now though." the silence met them once more but it wasn't painful. it was comfortable and welcoming. 

"that's alright clay, take your time." george reassured him kindly. dream nodded, knowing george couldn't see him. the silence filled them again as they stayed there, only thing audible being their heavied breathes. dream rolled over onto his back, phone resting near his head. the comforter and sheets messily falling off the bed in a mountain slide sort of way. he let his hand rest onto on his rising and falling chest. 

"thank you." he said again, stronger and with more honesty. george chuckled lightly. "i mean it" clay continued, "you mean a lot to me george." the older hummed, a smile crossing his face. 

"you mean a lot to me too clay." george replied. "but i think you should get some rest."

"you're probably right." the blonde hummed, hand running from his chest to his hair. "good night george."

"good night clay." the brit hummed in response, hanging up a few moments after. dream picked up his phone, tossing it back in the room. he laid down again, knowing it still be hard for him to fall asleep. at least he knew he could trust george. maybe opening up was possible. maybe it wouldn't kill him. 

__________  
a/n  
ayyy thoughts?


	7. 06 ; im always tired but never with you

falling asleep was the easy part for george, waking up was the issue. he'd lay in bed for half an hour trying to wake the rest of his body up before he could move. he rolled over on his side to look out the window but remember the drapes were closed a second too late and now he was basically staring at his wall. groaning, he got out of bed to open them. figuring now he was finally up, he continued on to the kitchen. 

circling his feet was his kitten. she was desperate for food and attention and george decided his own breakfast could wait so he poured some cat food into her bowl and watched as she wobbled over to it to eat quickly. she looked very happy, and george envied her emotions. 

he smiled, getting up off the floor and making his way back to the fridge. cereal seemed like an appropriate breakfast for today so he got out the milk and a bowl and looked around for the cereal box. it was in the cabinet where it always was. he got it down, pouring some into his bowl, accompanied by the milk. he opened the fridge again to place the milk back, doing the same for the cereal but leaving it a bit lower on the cabinet than before. getting out a spoon, he picked up the bowl and took it over to the kitchen table. he sat down quietly, eating in solem peace. the only noises in the room where the birds outside and the spoon dinking against the ceramic bowl. 

he never minded eating alone. truthfully, he never minded being alone in general. he found ways to entertain himself, and was never in constant need for physical contact. it would always be nice when his neighbors came to pay him a visit and such, but he truthfully didn't mind the silence of an empty apartment. 

that didn't mean he wanted to be alone though. he laid in bed day after day, night after night, wishing he could be with the people he cared about. he'd wonder what they were doing with their day and if they thought about him too. desperately, he thought about one person in particular. george was constantly worried about him, wondering if he could protect the other if he was there. he felt more alone remembering he wasn't with the fawn haired boy. 

he was safe with nick though, and that was all that really mattered.

after the previous day's events, he was still worried about dream. he'd check his messages minutely, making sure nothing had happened. he wondered if dream would even text him if something happened. would he even tell anyone? george knew it was hard for him, but he made it his goal to prove to the younger that opening up was a good idea. george wasn't very patient, but with dream, he'd wait for days if it meant for an honest answer and the other to feel comfortable. still, he worried. 

figuring, more of hoping, dream was still asleep, he opened his messages from sapnap.

how's clay doing?

sapnap

pretty sure he's still asleep   
not sure how much sleep he got last night

i talked to him last night

how was he?

he seemed tired 

did you call?

yeah  
he was trying to talk about something but it was obviously hard for him 

you think i should ask him?

maybe not  
he needs time

alright  
you ok too?

for the most part

good  
im here whenever u need me

thank you 

:)

george closed his phone, leaning back in the wooden chair. he was often inexplicably tired. it felt like he was being pushed under into the vast cavern of sleep. he tried his best to eat right and exercise, but he remained tired all the time. 

pushing himself out of the chair, he stumbled back to his room, wondering what a few more hours of sleep could do. he laid down, preparing to let his mind and body be engulfed by the mysterious void of sleep but was interrupted by a message. 

dream

hey

hello 

are you busy?

not if you need me 

what does that mean

i was gonna take a nap  
but if you need me, im not busy at all

you need sleep

i could argue the same for you 

fair  
but can you call?

ofc

george propped himself up in bed, waiting for the call notification on his phone. as soon as he got it he answered, waiting patiently and quietly for dream to say anything at all. 

"good morning." came a rough but quiet voice from the other end. george had never heard dream like this, voice raw and in desperate need for water. it was probably around 5 am in texas and george would've much prefered the other to get more that 4 hours of sleep be he decided not to press on with his complaints. 

"good morning." george hummed. his morning voice was soft too, but more like silk. it was smooth and calm and offly quiet. he heard ruffling from the other end and assumed the other was moving around on his bed. george proceed to wait quietly. 

"thank you for talking to me last night." the fawn haired boy said after a while of silence. george hummed lightly in response, thinking about how he'd been so tired before this but instead found himself energized and boisterous. 

"george do you keep secrets?" clay's question broke him out of his thoughts of energy oddities. before he could answer the other pressed on. "not basic secrets, like passwords or middle names. more like, things you'd never want anyone to know about you, but secrets that pain you to keep to yourself." 

george felt his eyebrows furrow. "i suppose so." another silence followed. he could almost hear dream thinking though. attempting to figure out how to phrase his next question. 

"have you ever been blackmailed?" was dream's next question. george gave a simple 'no' to which dream continued. "it feels like being held at gunpoint." george had never experienced blackmail or being held at gunpoint so he wasn't sure what to take from that. 

"george," clay's voice was soft again, almost frightened. george mumbled a 'hmm?' to let the other know he was listening. "i don't want to keep dark secrets." clay's voice was desperate, pleading almost. "but everyone who knows they- they just use it against me." george could hear the other's voice breaking. it was more of him breaking though. 

"then they suck." george's answer was blunt and he meant it with full honesty and that made dream chuckle a bit. "i mean it!" he continued, "you get to tell people when you want to, and if they don't take you seriously, or use it against you, they don't deserve to know you."

dream chuckled lightly again, "ya think so?"

"i know so." george insisted. dream sniffed, nodding though he knew george couldn't see it. "i'd never use your secrets against you clay." was george's first promise. "and i'd still love you, no matter what your secrets are." was his second.

"no matter what?" dream asked. it seemed a bit stupid, but as dream said it, he reached out his pinky to absolutely no one, as if pinky swearing with the gods. 

"no matter what." and that was george's final promise. dream smiled, closing his hand and lowering it back down. there was a quiet 'thank you' mumbled from the other end to which george smiled. "you get some rest." he insisted, moving a bit in his warm sheets. 

"you as well." dream said, verbally smiling. george was happy once more, knowing the other was happy too. he picked up the covers, quietly burying himself. 

"good night clay." he whispered.

"good night george." the fawn haired boy whispered back. george giggled quietly before hanging up. he placed his phone on his bed side table and quickly fell back into a deep slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-------------  
> a/n
> 
> switched it up! it'll be in george's pov for one more chapter :)  
> u get a look into george's dreams next o-o hehe
> 
> word count: 1333


	8. 07 ; do you dream of me?

in full honesty, george didn't dream a lot. when he ended up having dreams they were short and he never remembered them. so when he found himself floating around the morning sky like snow flurries in february, he was undeniably surprised. he attempted to find some balance within floating, but after a while he gave in to being whisked around. 

he saw a familiar boy, sitting on a window seat, eyes wondering outside, looking for something or someone. george drifted down to the window, floating inside. he was right next to the boy, he could lean out and touch his fawn hair. it was soon made clear though that the other could not see him. george sighed in frustration, hands attempting to grasp the youngers face. 

his glowing hands fell through the other's face like a ghost. was he dead? surely not. he moved back, brows furrowed in confusion and frustration. the younger boy sat up a bit, straightening his back. his yawn was cat like as he stretched out. he was quiet elegant, royal. george took this as an opportunity to take in all of the other's face. 

dream was sculpted from an artists finest clay. he had dangerously sharp cheekbones that were almost threatening. his jawline was pristine, meeting perfectly with his sullen neck. he had a prominent adam's apple and the center of his chest was lightly shown from under his shady shirt. the room was dark and cold and it highlighted the younger's tan skin. dream's hair was a dirty blonde, falling over his green and brown eyes. they looked quite gold to george though. 

the taller boy stood, arms falling to his side. he didn't move, but his eyes ran laps around the gray room. george watching intently. this had to be a dream. it was so lucid and real, george really considered the idea that he was dead. how would he have died though? he wasn't sick. did someone kill him? surely not. 

he reached out a final time, hands gripping the younger's shoulder. the gold eyes shot up quickly, and george felt his feet slip out of the air, stumbling to the hard ground. he stabilized himself with the taller boy's stout shoulders. the two stood, eyes locked. neither knew what to do or what was happening. 

"am i dreaming again?" clay asked slowly. his voice was quiet but george could hear him. the brunette hesitated for a moment.

"again?" he decided to press forward. clay's eyebrows furrowed. his gold eyes fell to his feet, then up again, taking in all over george's presence. george's dark eyes attempted to follow dream's but he was too slow. he felt the other's hand reach up to his face. his grasp was warm and calming, and george found himself leaning into in. 

dream pulled him closer, eyes examining the boy's pale face. george thought about pulling back but figured the eyes of another did no harm. maybe he was wrong though. dream's eyes were like gasoline and a lighter, setting fire all over his face. george seemed to light up in flame on the spot. the younger's other hand trailed over george's sharp collarbone, hidden under his gray shirt. george's eyes dashed up, trying to meet the gold orbs.

"can you help?" the other voice was raspy and desperate. this was rock bottom incarnate. george nodded, eyes desperately pleading for more answers. "can you take the pain away?" finally golden eyes met brown ones, both unsure of the other. 

"where does it hurt?" he asked. george wasn't sure if it was the right question, but he didn't know what else to say. the golden orbs fell again, as dream slumped down back onto the window seat. george remained standing, eyes hovering on the boy's head that was slumped into his arms. he couldn't tell if the other was crying or not, but it sure seemed he was. george knelt down, reaching out an arm but the second his hand made contact with the younger's shoulder, he watching it slip through. he was hovering again, feet no longer on the floor. dream's head shot up, he had been crying.

"george?" he cried out. his voice crack and broke in his throat as he called out for his better half. "george i need you!" george's eyes widened in worry. 

"clay im here." george found his voice weak. his breathing thinned and caught up in his throat until he couldn't breath. he grasped out, for clay, for anything. he felt his entire body being pulled back by and unexplainable force. he tumbled through a dark hole, watching dream drift farther and farther away from him, still calling out his name.

george woke in cold sweat, bolting straight up, breath thick and fast. he grasp on his own body, making sure it was real and still there. he was whole again. brunette eyes dashed around dim lit room. there was no one else there. george let his trembling hand comb through his sweat filled hair. what the fuck was that.

desperate for some sort of reassurance, he grasped for his phone on his bedside table. he took no hesitance in dialling dream's number, holding his breath impatiently as it took dream a bit to pick up. once the other answered no one spoke. words choked up on the edge of george's tongue so he bit down, quietly letting out a long breath. 

"george?" the fawn haired boy finally asked. it reminded george of the way dream had cried out for him in his dream. no, nightmare. george open his mouth to speak but the words scurried back into his throat causing him to cough. "you alright?"

"throat was dry." george mumbled out a lie. dream let out a quiet but understanding 'oh'. silence fell again and the two laid back in the beds where they sat, both desperate for the other to be next to them. 

"do you ever," clay started a thought that he clearly didn't mean to speak. george's ears perked up nonetheless. "in your dreams" he decided to start over, "do you ever see people you know?" george froze, the sweat that remained on his forehead turning cold. he cleared his throat. 

"no." he lied straight through his teeth. it was as painful lie, and he felt a spear pierce its way into his spine. dream stayed quiet for a bit, debating how to continue the conversation. when george realized the other was having a hard time, he decided to proceed on his lie. "i don't usually have dreams though. i hope-" shit he didn't mean to bring up his hopes. george coughed back the rest of that sentence. 

"what do you hope then?" dream was curious now. words pulled at the edge of the brunettes mouth as he bit down on his bottom lip in remorse. 

"i hope if i ever did dream that," was this too honest? would this truth be too much to repay the lie? "that you'd be there." 

___________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n
> 
> it was due time i updated. more chapters soon, but here's a cliff hanger!  
> this story will get progressively longer (word wise) so im sorry if its a bit slow so far.   
> pls leave your thoughts ! :)
> 
> word count: 1205


	9. 08 : driving numbs more

he couldn't possibly mean that. dream felt himself fall throw the bed frame, back hitting the floor, knocking the wind through his lungs. the air was brisk and cold and his hand trembled slightly. he gulped down intrusive thoughts, wetting his dried throat.

"what would you like to dream about us doing then?" the boldness in his voice was so phony, he cringed painfully. he heard george shuffle around in his bed on the other end and he couldn't help but think he made the other uncomfortable. "im sorry, you don't have to answer that." 

"don't be sorry." was all george could manage. that uncomfortable silence fell over them again and neither felt like breaking it this time. dream felt that obnoxious nausea of not eating filling his stomach once more. ignoring it, he cleared his throat. 

"i've got to go." dream choked out. he hung up without waiting for the others response. he threw his phone lightly into the bed, falling back onto the wall behind the bed. it hurt his head but he wouldn't admit it. 

he laid like this for a long while trying to get his thoughts in order. why had george called in the first place? did he scare the older boy off, or was it he who ran in fear? dream hated asking himself questions since he knew there was no one left to answer them. 

sitting up slowly, he looked around the room for his car keys. he liked to drive when he didn't want to think about the world. he'd find a nice empty road and buzz miles over the speed limit. kitchen. the blonde hopped out of bed, making his way to sap's kitchen. the other boy was nowhere to be found, so dream grabbed his keys and jogged outside to his car. cool texas air blew through his fawn locks as he took in his surroundings. 

texas was a beautiful place in all honesty, and dream wasn't sure how easy it'd be to find an empty road. the boy threw himself in his car anyways, starting the engine and pulling out of nick's drive way. he drove with little to no sense of direction. in all honesty, he let the wind take him. evening was falling and the wind had picked up speed and it bolted against his car. after a few twists and turns he found a road submerged in vines and tree limbs of the forest. there were few signs and he didn't hesitate to press his foot down on the gas. he didn't go too fast, just enough to feel the force of the earth pushing against him, reminding him he was real and alive. it was dark under this tunnel of trees though, so he flipped on his headlights, taking in the forest around him. there was plenty of wildlife overgrowth and if he looked hard enough he was sure he saw deer. those weren't the only animals that hid in the forests though. 

as he looked up ahead, he noticed the covered path ending to emerge into the night sky as the road met a highway. he slowed down a little, figuring he had enough time before he reached the busy roads. little to his awareness though, a predator to the wildlife environment sprouted from the trees, just at the border of forest and highway. dream slammed the breaks on as the wolf dashed out of his blinding headlights. he stayed utterly still for a while to catch his breath. seeing a powerful animal mirror the same fear as its prey was something you'd rarely see and as the fawn haired boy felt his heart rate lower to a normal pace, he realized that now was a good time to head back.

it was dark and getting darker as he pulled into nick's driveway. the boy slowly exited the vehicle, still shaken up about the whole thing. he was quickly met with sap's worried questions to which he had no intent of answering. taking a deep breath, he locked his car and trudged past the younger boy. 

"clay at least tell me where you've been." the was a powerless plea in sapnap's voice that cause dream to share empathy with the boy. he turned around, pocketing his keys and finally letting his vision take in the world around him.

"i went for a drive." that was the first truth dream felt he had told in a while. the younger sighed, dream wasn't entirely sure what relief he had provided but he was happy to nonetheless. 

"i don't want to sound worrisome but, can you tell me next time?" it was clear as daylight that nick cared and he was worried. maybe he thad considered the idea of clay crashing more than clay himself had. "i don't want you to do something stupid."

clay inhaled abruptly, not needing to hear the rest. he had never been on a real suicide watch, but his close friends gave him the general idea of what it felt like. it was undeniably basic emotional manipulation and he might have fallen for it if he was ever truly suicidal. whenever he had even considered hurting himself if brain shut down, becoming apathetic almost. he knew his friends cared and wanted him, maybe needed him to stay with them, but it was hard for him to also need himself alive. 

need is a funny thing, isn't it? necessities and desires get confused so often but he didn't desire to be living the life he was living, at least not all of it. unfortunately for him, he needed to. for his friends, for his sister, he needed to stay. as much as the days hurt, it was necessary that he stayed. so when his friends even hinted they were worried, he knew they were probably onto something. 

he swayed over to the shorter boy, wrapping long lanky arms around him and embracing the warm embers that were his being. nick was warm in all factors; he was caring and charming and his body temperature was radiating. he was also unarguably attractive. nick didn't hesitate to return the hug, wrapping arms around his tree-like friend's waist. they stayed like this, rocking on the heels of their feet slowly, comforting each other with their simply presence. 

as his body was engulfed in physical and emotional warmth, dream took this time to consider was a wolf in headlights feels like. do they feel the same way deers in headlights do; fear pulsing through their brains, activating fight or flight? maybe a wolf feels powerful in headlights, feeling as though they alone had the power to stop a car in its path. maybe a wolf feels confused of how it got there in the first place, why the car stopped, and why it was alive. maybe the wolf felt the same fear and power and confusion dream felt when he was suspended in thin air by a mist that could vocally be recognized as someone he wanted to dearly confide in. maybe dream was the wolf and george was the headlights, both stuck in this sort of silent stand-off. 

who would be the first to act?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _________  
> a/n
> 
> wowowoowow my friend starting reading my story and told me to upload so here  
> back to dre pov for now  
> (also this story is no where near done and is gonna be long so strap in and bring the popcorn babes)
> 
> word count: 1239 :)


	10. 09 : suburban boredom

it had officially been a week since clay was last on the road. he had no need to leave nick's abode, and if there was any needed shopping, the texan was already at the store. clay didn't find himself drawn to social media like he normally was, he instead found himself awaiting his daily call with the boy who lived hundreds of miles from him. sometimes it would just be them on a normal phone call, other times they'd join a vc just to have a music bot and not speak, other times nick would join the conversation through clay's mic. 

no matter how or when they called, the fawn haired boy found himself desperate for more than just the sound of george's voice. that wasn't something he should be desperate for though. that was a want, not a need. he needed to focus on getting his mentality back on track, not distracting himself with phony hope. still, he always found himself back in his room on a call with his distraction. sometimes, when george would be talking about his day, dream would lay back and listen, not to the words per say, but the sound of the others voice. it was smooth like butter and thick like honey and it was keeping dream from a normal sleep schedule.

he had thought about telling george that he was doing more hurt than help, but then who would dream have to talk to? sure sap was there, but the texan's voice didn't pull dream the way george's did. it was different, special, and dream found himself desperate to keep it that way. 

"hey i think i'm gonna try to stream speed runs today if that's alright." nick announced at breakfast. clay gave a simple nod, figuring there was no harm in it. it got him thinking about how everyone else felt about his hiatus; he didn't really give a notice before he slipped back into the darkness of his mental void.

"nick would you mind," he cleared his throat "would you mind telling everyone that i'm ok, on stream. if they ask that is. i just don't want anyone to be worried or-"

"i got you covered dude, don't worry." the younger's genuine kind words did leave a reassuring pat on dream's head and he thoroughly appreciated it. they had always had such a brother complex with each other, since the second they met. dream pondered the thought of talking to sapnap about everything first, he had known him the longest. he chewed through the idea like a good bone and figured there was no harm in trying. 

after the stream of course. in the meantime, he'd have to make entertainment out of the internet and the suburban landscape. the intimidatingly tall boy finished breakfast and wondered back to his room, letting ideas of time wasters fill his brain. all his idea went back to the wolf and his headlights. who did it hurt if he decided to go drive again? maybe himself he thought bitterly, but he let the intrusivity pass, and walked out of his room with his keys in hand. 

"where are you going?" a voice hinted with worry carried through to dream's ear. he turned around to find sap standing a bit away from him, holding plates. dream ran through the ideas of the best way to phrase his planned venture. 

"im just gonna go drive." he finally answered after a suspiciously long time, "i'll be back soon, and im not doing something stupid." 

sap sighed, clearing chewing through his own thoughts. "fine, but be back soon. you scare me sometimes." that made dream chuckle.

"you've got no need to worry." he called and he walked through the door. maybe sap did though. maybe it'd be good to worry, and with good reason. hadn't the mist said that? everyone was worried, but with good reason? it was something like that, he couldn't remember. his dreams had come to a worrying halt of the past week and he found himself yearning for them back. the more he was desperate for what he could not have, the more was taken from him. that was the unfortunate truth.

it didn't take him long to find the sheltered and deserted road. instead of speeding through it, he decided to park his car and start walking. he needed the exercise, that's for sure. he got out, his long legs taking short time to meet the ground as he stepped out. it was a lovely forest, overgrown and bluish green. it glowed in some parts and clay found it hard to believe it was real. his eyes paraded on for a while, taking in all the scenery. in full honesty, he was keeping a look out for wolfs. 

in his idea, the one he a week ago, was he the wolf or the headlights? right now if you had asked, he would've said the headlights. he felt powerful, like a 5 year old facing their fear of heights. maybe too powerful. in all honesty, he was proud of himself. the urge to get back in his car and drive quickly until his throat dried and his brain died was gone. his blatant self deprecation wasn't as near as it normally was. that made him smile, for the first time he had in awhile. he finally let that painful and honest smile creep its way onto his face. 

he laughed, quiet violently, and very much out loud. it quickly turned into wheezes as he jogged down the road with the speed of a freight train. he felt he might fly. if he had kept up on skating when he was in second grade, maybe he would be flying. soaring down the street with no need to contribute to pollution and no need to speed. the wind blowing through his hair and rushing against his tanned cheeks. the sun burning down into his green eyes. he needed a board again.

without hesitation, he sprinted back to his car. hands gripped the wheel as he started his car and pulled out of the lonesome road. he pulled out his phone to looked up the nearest skate shop. there were a lot of places in texas, and dream was just now realizing. finally deciding on the nearest store, he pulled up the directions and made his way there at a surprisingly legal pace. the urge to speed the streets still remained of course, but it was no longer as strong, it didn't have a hold on him as it usually did. 

the skate shop was primarily deserted so he took no hesitation in hopping out of his car and rushing inside. there was a man at the register who looked around clay's age, maybe older. he had dark brown hair that was pressed gently against his head with a beanie. he was dressed in a striped shirt and jeans and had the modesty to wave at the floridian as he pounced into the room. clay waves back, assuming it was the nicest thing to do. 

the fawn haired boy examined the boards in front of him, eyes wondering for one that reminded him of something. after a while, his green eyes laid on a green board with an aqua bottom and his mind fluttered back to his distanced friend. picking up the board, he let his fingers run over the rough top and the smooth wheels. he wondered how scuffed they'd be after a week or so. 

he walked over to the brunette employee at the register and held out the skateboard for him to take. the interaction was short and quiet, only a few words and payment being shared before clay jogged back to his car. the urge to speed was a bit stronger, only because he was worried that nick was going to be upset. he went slightly higher over the speed limit than he'd like to admit but it was alright since the roads were opening up a bit more. 

it took him a bit, but eventually he wound up back at nick's door, skateboard and keys in hand. he opened the door gently, making sure to not make noise if the younger was still streaming. he was not though, and clay was met with a worried expression. 

"i went shopping." he explained quickly, holding out the board as evidence. nick's expression softened into a smile as he embraced the taller carefully. 

"i'm just glad you're back." the other's voice was quiet, but clay heard him and for the second time that day, he smiled widely. maybe it was a good time to talk. once nick released him from the hug, he placed his board in his room and came back out to sit on the couch. mustering up the remaining confidence in his heart, he took a deep breath. nick caught on, and sat next to him slowly. 

"can i tell you something?" he asked first, "something i've never told anyone?" nick looked taken aback, maybe shocked that the older would choose to tell him before george, but he decided not to remark. 

"of course." the other answered softly. he smiled sympathetically over at the blonde, not entirely sure what clay wanted to say. they was traces of worry in his eyes and tone, but once again, clay didn't mind. he knew it was for good reason.

taking a void breath of air, dream found himself pondering over words again. he fiddled lightly with his finger tips. the conversation had been resting in his mind for so long, the words saved up in a pore of blood, waiting to pour from him. he had been holding back for so long, there would be so much bleeding from the loose wound. maybe that's just what he need though. you have to air a wound for it to properly heal. 

another deep breath later, he started spilling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _____  
> a/n
> 
> wooooo almost 2k words but im too tired to right morrrrrrrrrrrrrrre  
> next chapter is gonna be packed  
> thank you for all the support so far you guys are lovely 
> 
> word count: 1681


	11. 10 : bad healing methods

clay had never put himself in such a vulnerable position before. he was always on top of everything. locked up and secure like a jail cell. maybe that was because he hated how being vulnerable felt. this was one of those things that is necessary though. so he let everything spill. everything that brian did, everything jason did, everything kristen was doing. clay watch the younger's expression change, brows furrowing with what seemed like empathy and guilt. the blonde was taking too much time noticing the tears forming in nick's eyes to realize the tears spilling down his cheeks. as much as it hurt, it was healthy. this was the first weight to be lifted and he had never felt so relieved. 

as if from metaphorical blood loss, clay found himself close to passing out, vision blurred and head fuzzy. nick noticed this quick change and pulled the older into another hug, figuring it was the best and most he could do at the given moment. nick's warmth provided a temperamental safe haven and clay leaned into the heat longingly. he was eternally grateful for nick and he always would be but there was something more he needed and from a specific person. 

mind foggy, he let his thoughts travel to the place they always ended up. the boy that had taken a lucid form throughout his dreams, the boy that was preventing him from focusing on himself only because all dream could think about was him. he wondered how hard it'd be to tell george. the amount of pain he felt right now was rippling through him like a blade dug deep in his spine, how could he possibly do this again? maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad later.

"does george know?" as if on cue, nick pulled out of the hug to ask his own questions. "or anyone, does anyone else know?" clay shook his head, eyes burning from the kitchen light and the tears that were like salt in his tear ducts. "you should tell george." nick's words formed as less of a suggestion and more of a kind demand. and clay knew he was right. he offered a nod and leaned back on the couch and back into his thoughts. nick noticed the dissociation fogging the green eyes and bid ado before walking back to his room. 

falling back into his lake of thoughts, clay planned out how he could tell the other safely but surely; the most painless option. it was hard to mentally plan and he expected that even if he planned it out, it would still come out as mumbo jumbo that made no sense, followed by profound and uncontrollable sobs. 

he rolled over on the couch to test the right side of his brain. this part of him thought that opening up about the dreams he had been having would be the best start. he really didn't want to test that luck though. maybe he could open up about his dad? george already knew most of the awful things his dad had done though. in the end, he knew that even if he decided on something, it wouldn't go to plan.

groaning, clay pushed himself out of the lake and off of the couch. he trudged to his room, lake water dripping from his cloths and the speeding urge becoming stronger and stronger. somehow he made it to his room and lifted his hand for the door but was met with a magnetic repelling force pushing him back to his car. he opened his eyes in his front seat, forgetting how he got there. he should've told nick. he should go get that skateboard, he bought it for this situation exactly, didn't he? maybe healthy coping methods were not what he needed right now. 

half consciously pulling out of the driveway, he made his way back to the forest wrapped tunnel of a rode. clay took no hesitation in pushing his foot to the floor and bolted down the road. his hand traveled to the window, letting them all down and allowing the air to blow through his car. wind pushed through his hair and forced the fawn locked into his eyes. he cocked his head so he could see, letting the wind dry his eyes. he lived for this feeling, this rush. it was better than being stoned. it was pure and honest bliss. 

he felt himself unintentionally drifting. no idea where he was drifting too, he attempted to keep his eyes open. dissociation covered his mind and he was locked in place, trying desperately to get back into his mind. he had blinks of consciousness, and he could almost see the road but he could definitely hear the roaring of traffic drawing near. clay desperately tried to regain control of his body and slam on the breaks but he was too late.

the blunt force of metal on metal sent him back into reality just in time to see the car he hit before going unconscious again. he was sure he heard sirens are some point but he couldn't see. everything was dark as he felt himself being moved above the ground. he was alone in his mind with roaring sirens and clear movement. it wasn't long before a calming and familiar voice broke through the sirens. 

"you alright?" the mist asked, floating to him in a hurry. it was so much more vivid in the dark.

"am i dead?" was all he could manage asking, confused of where he was or what happened. he felt hands on his shoulders and if he squinted, he could see george's face pushing through the darkness.

"no, thankfully." he answered. george had a sympathetic worry fogging his face. his brows furrowed and tears were threatening the wall he had built. "you scared me."

clay inhaled off beat, and looked down. "i'm sorry."

"it's not your fault." the boy's warm hand pushed his face back up, soon pulling him into a hug. the feeling was different from nick's warm embrace, it was a different warm. the type of warm that boils in your guts and threatens to spill from your throat. the kind of warm that births butterflies and nausea. "you better get back though. everyone's worried."

clay's brows furrowed. "back where?"

"back to conscious." the mist explained, pulling from the hug. his hands remained on the younger's shoulders. clay was still confused but assumed the mist knew just as much as he did so he decided against asking more questions. "just open your eyes." 

the hospital room was bright and clay wished he could go back to the dark room with just george. he attempted to sit but felt his ribs ache so he remained where he was. eyes darted around, looking for someone to explain what happened. the door opened slowly, a nurse walked through, eyes fluttering up from her paperwork. she smiled over at him. 

"you're up." she observed. "do you know who you are and what happened?"

clay took in all of her features. she reminded him of his sister. he missed her desperately but pushed the thoughts away. "im clay wilson and i-" he pondered his next words. "did i crash?" the nurse nodded and walked to the other side of where he layed, writing something in her paperwork.

"do you have any family or friends i can contact?" was her next question. clay nodded, giving her nick's phone number. she told him she'd contact the other and that clay would be out relatively soon before leaving him to his thoughts. 

he wondered how badly he was injured. he wonder how badly his car was fucked. he wondered a lot of things and also worried. the last thing he wanted to do was give his friends more reasons to worry about him. how did he manage to fuck up this badly again? he could barely notice the tears running down his cheeks and sliding down his neck. sniffling, he wiped them away with his arm and carefully rolled over. everything hurt. his breaths came out in cracked wheezed and it hurt when he attempted to breath deeply. he had to stop being so careless. 

momentary, he considered drifting back into the dark room with the voice that soothed him, but the sound of the door opening knocked him out of his thoughts. his eyes traveled over to the boy walking towards him. nick's face was red and his checks were bleached with tears. waves of guilt flooded clay's mind and his eyes blurry with threats of sobs. the brunettes broke down the second their eyes met though, silent but bulbous tears flooded from his eyes. 

"why clay?" he choked out. his voice squeaked like it did years ago when dream had first met the boy. the blonde smiles through the unnoticed tears on his tanned cheeks. 

"i'm sorry." was the best he could manage and his lungs were collapsing. the two let out needed tears and clay offered his hand to comfort the younger boy. nick took no hesitation in grasping onto his friend. clay often forgot how nick was only a boy, barely old enough to be considered and adult. no matter how old he looked or acted, he would always be young at heart. and right now he was scared and worried and it was blatantly true. 

"we need to tell george." nick decided after a while, "you can tell george about the other things on your own time but this, this is important. he deserves to know." 

clay nodded. " 's hard to talk." the older mumbled out and nick inhaled, pondering through thoughts. 

"i'll tell him then." clay sighed, "but you have to talk to him the second you can." the relief left. the older nodded in agreement. nick smiled sympathetically and pulled out his phone. 

"what's up?" the british boy answers quickly, voice mellow and unbothered.

"something happened." nick's voice was dry but not quiet and george heard him clear as day.

"what happened?" it was clear he was testing the waters, scared if he jumped in, he'd drown. 

"clay he" the brunette's eyes fluttered over to the boy laying in bed, "he was in an accident." 

that uncomfortable silence fell in the cold room and clay had never felt so alone. he knew nick was feet away from him, but the guilt and rib pain pushed him away from the younger boy's warmth.

george cleared his throat. "is he ok?"

"yeah he's in the hospital right now." there was a sigh of relief from george's end. 

"and you're with him?"

"yeah."

"i want to talk to him."

"he can't really talk right now. says it hurts."

"i don't care. i want him to hear me."

"alright. one second." nick turned to clay and walked closer. "george says he wants to tell you something." the younger explained. the other held out a hand and nick gave him the phone.

"george?" his voice was weak and stabbed his core.

"goddammit clay." he sighed. it was clear he was holding more back. the younger gulped saliva down his drying throat.

"sorry." he choked out another apology.

"no." george mumbled, reagainsting where he was sitting. "it's not your fault. i should be there. i should've realised this was going to happen. i should've been there with you-"

"don't blame," clay's voice caught in his throat and he took a loose breath. "yourself."

another silence fell and silent tears dripped down the brit's pale cheeks, debating his next words. he took a deep breath and clay envied his ability to breath normally. 

"i want to come see you." his words were plain and simply. it was clear to clay that when george said "want" he meant "need". and clay agreed, but with everything happening in the world, a hospital was the worst place to be and there was no way george could get in the states. 

"please." he whispered a plead, tears and broken ribs blocking off his throat.

george swallowed sobs. "the second i can, i'll be there." and clay knew he was telling the truth. he smiled and felt that warmth filling his stomach again. even as silence fell again and as anyone had anything to say, the warmth remained. clay clung to the comfort of the flame and had no plans of letting it out of his grasp. 

"clay," george attempted at a crack in the silence "a while ago, you said something about holding back secrets." the younger knew exactly what he was referring too, and felt the warmth slip out of his fingertips to be replaced with anxiety. "does that have anything to do with what happened today?" when clay didn't answer, george pushed it away. "you don't have to say, nevermind."

"i guess" he pushed past the pain in his collapsing lungs, "i guess it did." george nodded, knowing the other couldn't see.

"when it doesn't hurt, could you tell me about it?" he asked. "unless that'll make it worse.

clay chewed into his bottom lip, teeth threatening to break through the surface. "i'll try." he managed. the older sighed once more, a relieved smile covering his face. 

"good." he said shortly. "stay safe alright?" clay hummed in agreement. "i love you clay."

"love you too." the other answered, voice still raspy and pained. george ended the call and clay gestered the phone back to nick. the younger smiled, wiping tears as he collected his phone from the other. 

"you should get some rest clay." nick suggested after a while, his suggestion feeling more like a kind command once more. clay nodded, pressing his face down into the pillow. he barely heard nick's 'good night' as he drifted down into a much need slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> __________  
> a/n
> 
> long chapter pog  
> im really happy with this story and the support it's been getting  
> you lot are amazing love you guys
> 
> word count: 2313


	12. 11 : things that take time

spending days in a hospital during a pandemic wasn't the best situation. especially when you have no interest for television or social media, and you simply float between dreaming and reality. at least dream had been able to see the mist more. it made up for the fact that george lived so far away. the blonde found himself yearning for sleep in a way he never had before. he was often tired, in need of sleep, but in this unlikely case he found himself energized and in want of sleep. 

something about knowing that nothing in his dreams were real was both numbing and painful. like how one's cheek stings after being hit hard enough. he knew a lot about being hit hard enough. the dreams reminded him that the world was only real if you let it get to you, so he decided to numb himself out with day dreaming. 

the way the mist held him, the way it addressed him, the way it respected him. it was so surreal. maybe, skinned down and raw, this was exactly who george was, a figment of his desperate imagination. was the boy that lived so far even real at this point? at this point it felt like when he used to lie about his 'girlfriend in germany' just to prove he was more a man then the other members of the football team. toxic masculinity was a disease he never fully recovered from. so the way george made him feel; it was almost threatening. 

he gulped down other thoughts that stung the back of his brain and flipped over to grab his phone. without even thinking, he dialed george's number for the first time in a few days. george and nick had been talking through the whole thing, neither streaming or interacting with others really, just wanting to keep this issue inclosed and secluded. 

"clay you alright?" the brit asked softly, like how the mist did. clay unintentionally felt a gasp slip from his cold lips before sitting up slightly. "clay?" 

"you're real right?" the emotion in his voice was unknown to even clay, but he proceeded. "you're not my imagination?" 

there was a ruffling from the other end. "of course i'm real clay. you're real too. so is nick, we're all real people." george wasn't sure where clays derealization was coming from but it only worried him more. 

"that's good." clay managed softly. he rolled onto his back, eyes burning out from the scintillating ceiling lights. clearing his throat, he searched for the words he had been intending to say. 

george took them right from his mouth though. "i miss you clay." the brunette mirrored the desperateness that clay himself usually felt. "but not the usual missing i- it's like when you're on life support" neither had been on life support, or not that they could remember "and you need the ventilator to live but they rip you straight off of it."

"are you saying," clay was puzzled by the older's choice in words "you need me to live?" there was that dangerous silence again. george pressed his finger tips together, wondering if that is in fact what he meant. 

"i think so." and he was being completely truthful. the two of them had a problem with being honest with each other but maybe this would be where they'd start turning stuff around. maybe this is when clay would be able to tie off all loose ends, solve everything, forgive and forget.

if only it was that easy.

Kristen  
it's that time again

clay's face lost the remaining amount of pink tinted color that remained it his face and he felt himself overcome by an unidentifiable freezing breeze. right as he thought everything could get better. chewing at his decaying lip, he mumbled out an excuse over why he had to hang up, but left once more before george could answer. he had to stop doing that too. 

this was step two of recovery and he knew it as his finger hovered over the block button. what would this really do though? Kris knew his social medias and for fucks sake, he knew his address. eyes glued to his phone, he felt himself being pulled back, like he was when he was driving. only this time it felt so much more safe. like whatever was pulling him, was pulling him to safety. he allowed himself to drip back into an unconscious state, phone eventually shutting off as it sat near his hand. it was good it did, otherwise the thunderstorm of brewing messages would have woken him.

"clay?" the mists worried but soothing voice called out for him. he didn't move, but looked up to try and find the mist in this substate. "clay." the voice was closer now. "something's going to happen." clay felt his expression of calming delight melt. "something bigger than anything you've ever faced." he found that hard to believe. "you have to understand when i say i don't think you can handle this, but there's no way to avoid it." he can't seem to avoid any delima. "i just wanted to warn you alright?" clay nodded slowly. 

"am i going to be able to deal with it, eventually?" he asked, toxic amounts of hope lacing his voice. the mist titerted before nodding.

"i believe so." clay smiled. "you have people who can help you. you just need to be prepared." the mist was adimit on getting that point across. "you are not allowed to give up the second you figure out what's going on alright?" his smile faded but he nodded. "good, i believe in you." 

the mist grabbed clay's cold face in his warm hands and placed a sentimental kiss on the tan forehead of the younger. clay smiled again, pulling the boy into a hug. they rocked back in forth for a while in the deep abyss of his mind until he found himself being pulled back into consciousness. 

taking a deep breath, he looked around. no one was dead. the lights were on. he wasn't bleeding. there weren't hundreds of doctors around him. puzzled, he picked up his phone only to be greeted by thousands of messages. he couldn't read any of them since there were so many. another deep breath in, he plunged into a tunnel of something he was prepared for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ___  
> a/n
> 
> i know this chapter was pretty short but im planning the next chapter to be 5000 words. prepare yo selfs. im really proud of this so far so don't forget to leave your thoughts! 
> 
> word count: 1095


	13. 12 : terminology bullshit

vision blurred, the boy found his way trudging through the swamp of cancel culture. it wasn’t like he hadn’t dealt with this before, but unfortunately it was so drastically different this time. words fogged in his fazed eyes, head spinning, and stomach attempting to leave his body. he decided to close twitter, figuring it’d be better to confirm his suspicions before replying to hate soaked tweets.

Kristen

i know you read that  
dumbass, you know what you gotta do  
dammit clay  
you brought this on yourself

there were no more messages after that, and clay figured that’s when kristen went to make posts about him. maybe he did bring this on himself. biting back inevitable tears, he rolled over and opened his messages from nick.

SapNap

have you seen twitter?  
i wanted to make sure you’re ok  
that fucking bitch  
i will actually murder a man dream  
please tell me you’re ok  
oh are you asleep  
whatever im on my way

he figured it was past due time for a response, and instead opening his messages from george. he’d tell sap everything once the younger arrived.

Gogy

clay?  
what the hell is going on with twitter?  
please tell that it’s not true  
i don’t know what to believe anymore  
im scared

please answer clay

he had to answer. he couldn’t put george through this alone.

it’s not true  
at least i dont know what kris posted  
but i promise he’s full of shit

so you do know him?

yeah

he was a childhood friend

can you tell me what happened?

what really happened

i dont want to find out when everyone else does

i know thats selfish

but i want to help you as best as possible

i promise i’ve been meaning to tell you

it was hard telling nick

it’ll be even harder telling you, let alone millions of people  
but i will

just not right this second

nick had just dashed into the room, worried eyes meeting green ones, before he let out a relived sigh.

why not?

please clay

nick just got here

i can tell you on call, alright?

sooner, rather than later clay

i promise

stay safe

you too

shutting his phone off again, he sat up in bed, desperate for nick to provide some answers. the younger looked just about as clueless unfortunately. they sat in an empty silence and they looked for the best words to say.

“what happened?” clay asked, though nick was thinking the same. there was desperateness lacing his voice. he felt weak knowing that there was something going on and he hadn’t been give a chance to clear his name.

nick explained the posts kris had made, claiming it’d be better for clay to see them for himself, though he frankly didn’t want to. the younger continued to explain that his name was currently trending and everyone had their own strong opinions. feeling more empty than a deflated balloon, clay simply nodded and picked up his phone again.

ignoring nick’s protests, he opened twitter and quickly stumbled upon kris’ tweets. it was everything he had been paranoid about and more. it was all his intrusive thoughts written out in a tweet, just by someone else. his hands shook and the phone tumbled lightly onto the sheets in his lap.

“i knew this was going to happen eventually.” his voice barley a mumbled, he laid back down in bed. nick carefully sat on the edge.

“how do you wanna deal with this?” nick asked. the boy was just trying to help, but clay had never felt more pressured to do something he wasn’t prepared for since, well since he was fourteen.

sooner rather than later clay

though it was just a text, the fawn haired boy found himself listening to george’s voice reminding him that. he knew it would be better to get it over with, but he didn’t know how. he rolled over on his side to ponder more, in need for some sort of answer.

“i’m not sure yet.” voice remained quiet but nick could hear. clay chewed through his next words twice, debating if it was a want or a need. “i need to tell george first.” he decided after a while. “everything. he deserves to know.”

“as much as i agree, and trust me i do, are you in the right,” nick paused “mental state for this?”

clay rolled over to lock eyes. “i don’t think i am. but i don’t have a choice. i never did. i just have to do this now or i’m never going to.” the younger nodded, chewing on his own lip in anticipation.

he picked up his phone not thinking to text george first, and quickly called. he put the other on speaker so that nick could chime in if he was at a lose for words. clay sat up, legs crossed and his back leaning foreward. his posture was atrocious, but he couldn’t help it with how tired he felt.

“george.” the blonde decided to be the first to talk as soon and the brunettes answered. the other end was quiet for a second before george replied.

“you’re alright, yes?” his voice was fractured and dry, clay wondered if he had been crying.

“yes yes,” he reassured “are you?”

he went quiet again, turning over in his bed. “i think so.” the daggers started sooner than expected and clay thought he might die right there. george sounded so defeated, emptier than the fawn haired boy felt. “are you finally ready to explain this clay?” the younger of the three moved uncomfortably, finding it rude how desperate george sounded. it only made clay feel guilty though, so he responded quickly.

“yes i am.” he really had to stop lying to his friends. he was no where near ready, but he was in fact running out of time. so he took the lip off his jar of memories and began spilling out more. maybe more than he had told nick, maybe more than he had told anyone. he didn’t stop spilling, even when the jar was empty, even when he though he might vomit, he continued. and even when george was greeted with the same nauseous feeling, he remained listening.

“but those dreams stopped after years,” he found himself spilling more than intended, the jar itself tried to pack up everything and close, but the lid was lost. or maybe clay had become the lid. he now had control of when he opened it and closed it. “and then you where there. except you weren’t you, you were like a mist. and you helped me, and didn’t lie or hurt me. you were always so close but i could never touch you. and i-”

“i had the same dream.” the hoarse voice of the brunettes perked up. “i lied, when you asked me if i had ever dreamed about people i knew. the day you asked, i had just woken up from that same dream. except it was more like a nightmare. i couldn’t touch you either but you looked so- like you needed someone. it felt so real.” he fell silent again, his own jar quickly closing before he went too far.

“how many times did we lie to each other?” the blonde thought out loud. george pondered, wondering how much he had told clay that he meant. he did mean a lot, that’s for sure, but he lied to protect himself. at least it felt like protection. “i never meant to lie to you,” clay continued “i was just so scared.” he finally dropped into silence, jar of thoughts resting lightly in his mind.

“i was too.” the brunette admitted. “but you made me feel so safe.” there goes the over spilling again. clay gritted his teeth. it almost wasn’t fair how open george was about how he felt towards another boy. the blonde envied that satisfaction. he always chewed through his tongue when he considered saying things like that. he was desperate for that confidence. “i’m sorry, was that too honest?”

“no no, it’s fine.” he coughed out, “i was just thinking, but everythings good.” george let out a small ‘oh’ but didn’t say much more. they were greeted hastily by the silence that could freeze full floridian lakes. “thank you.” clay said after a while.

“for what?” george was very confused what he was being thanked for.

“for listening.” the younger answered. soft humming rung from the other end as george stood from his bed to open his window. he felt the cool britain air rush in and considered what the weather was like in texas.

clay was probably warm, rolled up in hospital sheets, not worrying about being cold. the brunette wondered if clay was warm natured, unlike himself. george was constantly cold. his hands remained like ice sickles despite the weather. it would have to be hundreds of degrees for him to notice a difference. that’s why he loved warm baths. he’d lay in the bath for hours, clad or unclad, taking in the warmth of heated water. there had to of been times he had fallen asleep in the bath but none he could remember. he wondered how clay took his baths. maybe the taller showered? george never saw the enjoyance of standing while bathing yourself. he must preferred to have the water covering him like a weighted blanket. maybe clay didn’t need to submerge himself in warmth to feel warm, maybe his heat came from a different source.

laying back down, george thought about if his blonde friend enjoyed long embraces like he did. if he would let the smaller boy embrace him the second they were in proximity of each other. fishing a pillow out from under his head and wrapping it between his arms and legs, he set his phone down near his head.

“i wish i was there with you.” george mumbled. clay didn’t reply, but smiled lightly, also wishing the brunette was with him.

“do you think this is rock bottom for me?” the blonde found himself asking out loud after a while. he directed the question at no one in particular. “there’s no where i can go and everything seem so bad.”

george hadn’t expected that. he nibbled on the cracking skin that peeled off his thumb. “i’m not sure,” he decided after a few moments. “i think that if it is, you just need someone to help you out. to throw down a ladder of some sorts.”

clay snorted. “thats a long ass ladder.” he mumbled, smiling to himself. it had been awhile since he even attempted to make a joke, but it felt so good.

“maybe it’s a short ladder but the person has long arms.” george suggested. the blonde laughed louder, eyes squinting together, his hair spilling out on the pillow.

“you got long arms george?” he asked. the brunette hummed a ‘yes’, smiling to himself as he stretched out his pale arm, hand blocking his vision of his fan. he wondered if he could pull his friend away from rock bottom. in all honesty, he was almost certain he could.

“then i’m in luck.” clay hummed from the other end. george had never more wanted to be somewhere else. specifically with the boy on the other end of the phone. his hands brushed over the pillow that lay in between his arms. he imagined the blonde boy laying there, fingers intertwined with each other, and hair flowing over the blue pillow case to mix together and form a golden brown. his thoughts were muddied by his phone’s warning was about to die.

“shit.” he leaped from bed to scower his room for a charger.

“what’s wrong?” clay’s concerned voice rung out from the other end. the brunette barely heard him, eyes whisking back and forth for a needed charger.

“i can’t find a charger and my phone’s going to die.” he sighed. defeated, he flopped down onto his bed. the blonde chuckled lightly.

“i’ll leave you to it, the doctors are going to be in here any minute now.” the voice on the other end decided. “i’m almost free.”

george hummed, smiling, knowing the other was smiling to. “alright. bye clay.”

“good bye george.” he recited. it was like a bot message every time their conversations ended, only because they never seemed to end. even after clay hung up and silenced his phone, he still felt like he was talking with the other boy. they could talk all day, no need for a digital connection. they were always there with each other, and that was inarguable. he only wished that they could continue this conversation in a more physical manner. no need for long thoughts over what to say, or empty hands that grew cold from holding a phone towards a keen ear.

clay felt his finger nails dig into his hands as his thoughts pressed more foreward than they should’ve about a friend. he slowly sat up, eyes meeting nick’s. they were both wondering the same thing; ‘what now?’ the fawn haired boy had already considered some ideas, but in the end, the sooner he did something, the better. before more false claims erupted like they always did.

“nick,” the brunette’s eyes widened “can i stream off of your set up?”

“of course dude, what were you thinking about doing?” the shorter asked. clay inhaled deeply, letting warm breath slowly flow from his weakened lungs.

“i figure the sooner i speak up the better,” he answered “and it would be better for everyone to hear it from me, live and uncut.” this isn’t a twitlonger type of issue he thought, biting back a snicker. the brunette nodded in agreement, leaning back on the wall.

“when do you think-” nick was quickly interrupted by the nurse making her way into the room clad with a gentle smile. clay leaned back, slightly expecting her to ask him some questions like she usually did. instead she stayed where she was, files and folders in hand.

“im sure you’re ready to go home,” she started, gentle smile still remaining “unfortunately you’re going have to be here for one or two more nights, just to make sure everything is alright and your ribs don’t move or anything.” clay nodded, bubbling paranoia building up inside his mind knowing that the next two days were going to be hell. the nurse gave a sympathetic smile before she left the room again.

“you wanna watch a movie?” nick suggested. the blonde shrugged, but allowed nick to pull up a chair and set his laptop in clays lap. they agreed on an older comedy that netflix had been holding in his depths. the brunette laid his head on the hospital bed, arms supporting his head more. their hair brushed together to form a nice, autumn like appearance. summer like warmth spilled onto clay and he appreciated it greatly, but as a warm person himself, he’d prefer to share his sun like heat with someone who felt a type pf cold that he’d never experienced. maybe george was his cold source.

around four movie’s later, nick had passes out, snoring directly in clay’s ear. the blonde sat up, closing the computer and setting the headphones aside. he rolled over so he didn’t have to listen to his friend and too fell into a deep and needed slumber.

“how bad is it?” the mist asked. clay’s brow cocked but he still slightly knew what the mist was talking about.

“bad,” he started, wondering in all honesty, how bad it was for him. “but i think everything’s going to be ok.” a smile formed in the black void of his dreams.

“that’s good.” it called, floating slightly away. “would you like to go swimming?” he found the question odd, but wouldn’t mind a nice swim so he nodded a yes. the ground below him soon evaporated and he felt himself being plunged into cold ocean water. he barely reacted fast enough to swim up to keep his head above the water. in a hurried motion, the mist grasped him from the water, floating over to the ocean edge. it placed him down and brushed his wet hair out of his eyes.

“i’m so sorry about that.” the mist said quickly. “i’m still getting used to this i- i’m not even sure what this is.” clay shook his head, slightly to shake the water off but also to argue.

“it’s perfectly fine.” he replied simply, smiling. george’s glowing face shone down upon him. the boy’s hands remained on his wider shoulders and clay felt the temptation to reach out and pull him closer growing stronger and stronger. george’s brows furrowed.

“you don’t like to think like that.” he reminded the younger boy. clay forgot for a moment that george in this mystical form wasn’t just a figment of his imagination, and considered how the real george would feel if he knew the things clay thought about him. his head fell, fawn hair falled to block out his eyes. “wait.” the mist pleaded, attempting to tilt the boy’s tanned face back up. “it’s ok to think those things here, no one else has to know.” it promised him. his eyes fluttered upwards to meet the hazel eyes floating above him.

“can i touch your face?” clay asked softly. the mist nodded, smiling as clay’s warm hand greeted it’s face, holding it’s cheek gently. george leaned into the light grip, placing a small kiss on clay’s palm. the tall boy’s eyes wondered all over the mist’s expression and features, wondering how george himself would feel about this type of contact.

“do you want to kiss me clay?” the boy’s eye brows quickly furrowed in defense, hand tensing up and recovering its place by his side. “it’s fine if you do i just want you to realize that even though i look like him, i’m just here to comfort you, i’m not him.” clay sighed, knowing it was the truth that he didn’t want to admit.

“i’m not sure what to feel anymore.” he sighed, laying back on the sandy beach edge. the mist joined him, laying back, slightly above the sand.

“that’s ok,” it reassured him “i’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

clay smiled. “i sure hope so.”

his eyes opened back in the bright hospital room where he had slept, nick now wondering around the room. the boy still looked very tired, but clay didn’t ask any questions. the brunette smiled widely, sitting at the edge of the bed like a toddler desperate for attention.

“you hungry?” nick asked, and clay nodded slowly, slightly lying. he wasn’t hungry like he normally was in the mornings, but he did find his mouth dry and wouldn’t mind some food. “where’s the cafeteria again?” he asked. the blonde chuckled, explaining how to get there and back, and nick was gone faster than he came. the nurse soon arrived, just for a morningly check up.

“you seem to be recovering very well.” she remarked, smiling brightly. he appreciated her enthusiasm. “i believe you’ll be out of here soon. you got any plans?” he shook his head, matching her kind smile. “well i hope you the best.” she pat his arm before walking out the door.

it wasn’t long after that dream was greeted by nick holding plates of food and drinks. clay immediately grabbed some of it from him so the smaller didn’t spill it everywhere. they ate in that comfortable silence, not asking about dreams or how they felt. it was something clay couldn’t say he missed, but it was alright for now

part of him simply wanted to go back to sleep, the the ocean in his mind engulf him once more. the other part knew that wasn’t healthy and he should call george or check in with his other friends. his first thought was to give wilbur a call. the older boy always stood a brotherly figure in clay’s mind. and when clay found himself in a bad state, he always knew he could talk to wilbur. there was a small part of him that told him the older wouldn’t listen to him this time, but there was no way that could be true. will would always be there, right?

munching on bacon, he pushed the thoughts away. nick had finished his meal and stood quietly, waiting for the blonde to eat his breakfast as well.

“i think im gonna go home and bathe.” the younger explained, placing his computer in his back pack. “do you need anything?” clay shook his head and with that, nick was off.

as soon as the brunette left, clay picked up his phone. his fingers dashed across the screen, scanning for wilbur’s contact. without messaging him if it was alright to call, he simply pressed the button and awaited the older’s answer.

“dream!” the brits voice cheered from the other end. clay couldn’t tell if will was drunk or just happy to hear from him. “i’ve missed you buddy.”

“i’ve missed you too wilbur.” he chuckled lightly, hand brushing through his hair.

“how are you feeling?” will asked carefully, “after everything that happened. i assumed most of it’s bollocks, but i wanted to hear it from you.”

clay chewed his bottom lip for a short and sweet answer. “i’m ok i think.” he decided after a while, “and yes, most of it is ‘bollocks’”

“most?” there was no harm in the brunettes question, but it still pressed a blade to clay’s shoulder.

“i’m going to explain everything,” he didn’t mean to sound so ambiguous, he was simply tired “as soon as i get out of the hospital.”

will’s brows furrowed in immediate worry. “clay what happened?”

“i got in a wreck a week or two ago,” he explained carefully “i’ve been staying with nick and he’s been taking care of me for the most part.” wilbur sighed on the other end, thin fingers readjusting his beanie.

“so you know the bloke who made the posts?” the brit’s questions pestered on. clay didn’t mind, he truly expected it.

“yeah, we were ‘friends’ in middle school.” clay answered. he felt his inner cheek might bleed if he chewed down anymore.

“so what actually happened?” once again, the blonde knew he meant to harm, but the metallic taste flooded his mouth and he exhaled slowly. “you don’t have to say if it’s too personal.”

“no no, you of all people deserve to know before i tell everyone.” clay sighed roughly. he kneaded at his forehead, trying to contain any building tears. “i got in a fight of sort with a kid named brian. we were all relative fourteen at the time. he uh, he punched me back into this lake we were standing by, and i fell back in away that made it almost impossible to swim back up to the surface.” he chewed on his other cheek. “this kid, kristen’s brother, helped me out of the water. he was seventeen or eighteen, i don’t remember” yes he did, jason had turned eighteen in february that year “anyways, i trusted him because he had always been nice to me, acted like i was his friend even though i was younger. he took me back to his house to get dried up, said he had some towels and clothes.” he felt his throat going dry and it became harder and harder to continue what he was saying. a head ache pulsed through his skull so hard it felt like it might burst open. “i’m sorry i-”

“no, don’t worry.” wilbur’s reassuring voice soothed his rapid head ache. “i can put two and two together.” his own voice faded to a hushed whisper, “i’m terribly sorry that happened to you clay.” the blonde hummed, finding it hard to open his mouth without the threat of tears pouring out. “thank you for talking to me. a lot of people are worried about you dream, and if you aren’t sure if you can explain this yourself, i will gladly do so for you.”

“thank you will, really i appreciate the offer” clay pulled his hair out of his eyes, “i really need to do this myself though.”

wilbur hummed as well this time. “i agree, but don’t push yourself.”

“i wont.” he promised. they said their good byes, and as he hung up, clay felt as if a huge weight had been hurdled off his chest. he took a deep sigh, leaning back on his bed, letting the warmth of the sheets rush over him.

he hadn’t moved in a while. even after the doctors said he could, he really only walked around his room. he decided maybe he should stretch his legs. pushing himself out of bed, he felt his socks hit the cold tile floor. he took a deep breath once more, stretching his back. it didn’t really hurt anymore. humming lightly, he twirled around his room. he thought about dancing in the rain with george, cold water pouring on them when all that mattered was themselves. he didn't feel the normal remorse and instead let his body sway on the spot, eyes closed and smiling.

the dance had been unfortunately interrupted by and fresh and clean nick hopping through the door way. the younger chuckled at the sight, taking this as an opportunity to steal clay’s bed. he laid out into the warm dip that the older’s body had created. the blonde hummed an oddly familiar tune, eyes flickering open and closed slowly, still swaying around the room blissfully.

the next person through the door was his sweet nurse, lesser files in her hands and still accompanied by her loving smile.

“are you my patient now?” she joked to nick, who was nestled into the hospital bed. he shook his head, a soft laugh leaving his lips. she turned to the taller of the three. “how are you feeling clay?” she asked.

“i feel a lot better actually.” and for the first time in a while, he was completely and utterly genuine. she could tell as her eyes flickered, sparkling even.

“thats good.” her voice was soft and smooth, reassuring. it reminded clay of how his mom treated him when he sick. “you can leave whenever you’d like” she announced. the two boys thanked her continuously as she left the room, a bright smile lingering on her face.

“she reminds me of your mom.” nick observed in a kind tone. clay nodded.

“i was thinking the same thing.” he shuffled his feet quietly. “i miss her.” nick got out of the bed, picking up his back pack and throwing it over his shoulder.

“you should call her,” he said “tell her everything. she outta know, right?” the taller nodded again. nick smiled. “put your shoes on, we’re getting a snack and then heading back.”

and they did just that. clay grabbed the largest orange he could find from the fruit stand and nick collected two apples, claiming he was just too hungry. the two ate in nick’s car, and soon they were on the road. clay stuck his head out the passenger’s seat window, letting his hair flow with the wind. the rush was still so nice. maybe he should start letting someone else do the driving. he hung his arms out the window, reaching for tree leaves and vines. nick kept making nervous remarks about how his arms were going to get ripped off, which clay only laughed to.

they got home safely and clay had never missed the house more. he flooded through the hallway, collapsing onto his bed. nick stood in the doorway, arms crossed. as the older met his eyes, he knew the question on the brunettes mind.

“tomorrow.” clay announced. “afternoon. that’s when.”

nick smiled softly. “want me to sit in the room with you?”

“yes please.” the blonde almost gasped. the shorter chuckled, slumping down on the bed with him. the older clung to him without hesitation, arms wrapping around his waist, nick’s around his own shoulders. they leaned into each other, minds flooding with every possible worry. it was alright though, since clay finally was aware of the people who cared about him. pondering on his thoughts, he sat up fully. nick cocked a brow.

“something wrong?” the younger asked, voice full of worried. clay shook his head, laying completely back on the bed.

“god actually,” he chuckled “i think im falling again.”

nick laid back too. “good or bad falling?” he asked, knowing clay often used ‘falling’ to describe when he was feeling depressed.

“like falling in love.” the fawn haired boy’s voice was stubbornly quiet but nick heard nonetheless. he smiled, chuckling lightly.

“you want dating advice?” he joked. clay rolled his emerald eyes.

“no i’m just” he paused, pondering his word, “i’m scared i think.”

nick propped himself up so he was looking down at the older boy. “love is scary as shit.” he agreed, and clay hummed softly. “but whoever it is, they’re lucky as shit too so i’m sure it’ll be fine.” the blonde chuckled lightly. “i’m just being honest dre.” he laid back down, and they shared a laugh together like the used to when they were younger and had nothing better to do.

“movie?” nick suggested after a while of a comfortable silence. clay agreed silently and the two made their way to the living room. the brunette made snacks like he did when the two where teenagers and stayed up hours watching movies together. they fell through the couch, into another dimension of fictional television. they’d laugh and joke, consumed by their own preteen world to acknowledge the outside world. nothing happened in their little bubble, nothing was wrong, and no ne knew about it. they were safe. there were no fights or problems. just them and a box of colors.

even after clay had felt his eyelid growing heavy and himself drifting from their exterrestrial world, back into the real dirt of all, he still felt safe. he fell back into his favorite state after a while though, his drug of choice; dreaming.

the mist was there to greet him, but not with it’s normal questions. instead it drifted over, smiling and swaying.

“would you like to dance with me clay?” it asked after a while. clay paused, wanting to answer a simple yes, but a past dream stopped his actions.

“i want to dance with george.” he decided. the mist paused, faltering it’s movement. it sighed, drifting down to him.

“i know you do,” it hummed lightly “and i hope one day you can. in the rain, just how you imagined.” clay smiled, feeling cold rain droplets pour down on him. he no longer needed the mental crutch of this ghost-like being telling him reassuring things. he felt himself freely drifting through the rain, smiling like he hadn’t in a while. he had finally come to terms with the blatant truth. he was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> __________  
> a/n
> 
> holy shit i actually did it  
> i hope you guys like this  
> there's gonna be a lot of loose ends closed next chapter and then a pov change  
> im considering making this a series with 3 books (this being the first) and then another seperate series thats more karlnap focused  
> we shall see  
> thank you for the support loves
> 
> word count: 5180


	14. 13 : burning loose ends

when he awoke, clay found himself remaining on nick's couch though the younger had left to make breakfast. the smell of fried eggs filled the kitchen and spilled through into the living room. clay pushed himself off the quiet uncomfortable couch and fumbled into the kitchen. still filled with sleepiness, the blonde wasn't expecting nick to have enough energy to make a whole large breakfast. pancakes, eggs and bacon balanced on plates in a way he couldn't comprehend. the brunette was covered in cooking materials and a large smile, to which clay greeted with his own tired smile. 

"i made breakfast." the younger cheered, offering a plate in the direction of the other. clay took it gratefully, holding the glass plate in his hands. he grabbed a fork from the silverware drawer and made his way to the table. nick accompanied him shortly after and the two ate in a comforting silence. 

as he ate, clay's mind raced over ways he'd be phrasing everything in his stream. it worried him to his core that he'd break down on stream and not know what to do or how to continue. he bit down and little too hard on his fork and felt the metallic taste of blood spill back into his mouth. 'shit' he muttered lightly, holding a napkin to his lip.

"you good?" nick asked. he cocked his head to the eyes, eyebrows furrowed in worry. the blonde nodded. he attempted to dry up all the blood but to no avail. as he continued eating, the food warmed his stomach, reminding him that even if he was mentally alone know, nick was there physically to pull him out of this mess. he appreciated that, as much as he wanted someone else, he would forever appreciate nick.

on the other side of the globe, george found himself eating a terribly late lunch. he chewed through his sandwich tiredly, not wanting to be alone eating by himself. he rolled out of his chair and scanned around for his phone. it wasn't long before he had found it and opened his messaged with clay.

good morning 

knowing it was around nine in the morning, he almost desperately hoped the other was up to respond while simultaneously he hoped the other was getting as much sleep as possible. contradicting thoughts were never helpful at times like this. trudging back to his sandwich, george already knew this would be a long day.

clay heard the familiar beeping of his phone, and slowly stood to locate it. the device lay on the couch arm, a message from george lingering on the illuminated screen. 

Gogy

good morning

clay hummed, typing out a response.

good afternoon to you

how are you?

good, left the hospital last night

that's great news :)

mhm  
gonna try to stream n clear things up today

don't pressure yourself 

i wont, i promise

i want to be there

hm?

on call or something  
chat doesn't have to hear obviously, but i want to be there

oh  
alright

is that ok?

of course

ok

thank you

for what?

i dont really know  
being my friend?

you dont need to thank me for spending time with you and caring about you

i feel like i do 

well you dont

ok but still  
thank you

okay

your so stupid

sorry i just dont know what to say

no its fine  
sorry 

don't be

im gonna get set up for the stream  
ill message you when im starting it

ok  
i'll see you then

bye george

bye bye clay

he walked to his room and placed down his phone, before rejoining nick at the table. nick's eyes brow raised, signally an answer to who it was.

"george wants me to call him during the stream, so he can be there" the blonde explained. nick nodded, chewing a slice of bacon. "can we start setting up for that." the brunette nodded again, and the two made their way to nick's bed room. it was such a neat place, not just appearance, but also quiet tidy and pleasing to the eye. 

the younger sat down in his desk chair, opening up obs and twitch on his other monitor. he quickly stood, offering the chair to the boy towering over him. clay sat down slowly, adjusting the chair to his height. logging out of nick's twitch and into his own, he retrieved his stream key to log into obs.

"i can stream from your account whenever i want now." the greek jokes, attempting to lighten the dull mood of the room. clay hummed, oddly threateningly.

"you better not." he warned, green eyes turning to glare at nick. the shorter chuckled nervously, pleading his innocence. clay laughed along with him, making sure everything on obs was right. "should it just be a black screen, or is that too menacing?" as nick was clearly confused, the blonde continued. "for the stream. since i won't be playing anything. i know a face cam would make sense but since i don't do that then, i'm not sure."

the brunette hummed, pondering over everything. "this is important." he decided after awhile. "i think it's fine to be a little menacing." clay nodded, not changing anything to the way he set up the obs stream. he made sure that stream notifications were off and nothing interrupted it. 

"when do you wanna stream it?" nick asked softly, not wanting to pressure the older boy. clay shrugged. sooner rather than later. 

"maybe in an hour or so?" he suggested. "still need to fully wake up." nick nodded, mumbled a notion he was making coffee before stumbling out of the room. the blonde, left to his own devices, found himself slowly spinning around in his friend's desk chair. it was oddly entertaining, and flushed all the thoughts out of his mind. he closed his eyes and let the cold air in the room brush against him.

around fifteen minutes later, nick came back with two cups of coffee and a plate of leftovers that he was still eating. clay took the cup graciously, sipping the warm liquid and letting it light up his cold organs. they ate, and drank, and talked, none of their conversations venturing to the stream that was fast approaching them. 

and as they finished their snack and the brunette returned to the room, ten thirty-four rolled on the clock and both knew it was time. clay reagusted the chair and his posture, and nick took a seat behind the blonde on his own bed. his mind racked over everything he needed to say once more, before a bolt struck through his mind.

"wait." he mumbled, standing and rushing to his room. picking up his phone, he returned to nick's room. he called george as he sat down in the chair. 

"hey." the brunette's voice hummed through the other end.

"i'm starting stream." clay explained carefully.

"alright." george nodded. "you ok?" the other mumbled a 'yes' which he didn't know if he meant. he clicked on the 'start streaming' button and everyone in the room held their breath. 

viewers began joining, chat began speeding by. clay had decided to title the stream 'a needed talk' feeling that was the most honest thing, and finally figured out to change the category to just chatting. he breathed slowly as chat asked questions he didn't know he could answer. 

"hey guys." as clay exhaled, so did nick and george. "i know you have a lot of questions, and i'm going to answer them all, but i wanted to start with why this took so long." he felt so compelled to leave out all the minor details, but the deserved to know. "a few weeks ago, i kind of 'moved in' with sapnap. we've been staying with each other at his place and im currently streaming on his setup." he was stalling. "about a week ago i got in a wreck" now you're just gas lighting "i was in the hospital for a while and only got out yesterday. a lot obviously happened in that time and i wasn't in a place to explain everything. i'm ok now, and i'm safe." bit selfish? "the person who made those tweets that im assuming most everyone has seen is and old friend of mine from middle school. everything he said is false, though i don't blame him for why he did this." 

"clay." george hissed from the phone. his eyes fell down to the phone on nick's desk. "be honest." clay sighed, pushing his fawn hair back.

"a long time ago, when i was fourteen, something happened and the person who made the tweets was lied to." he paused, not sure where to go with this. "his brother, convinced him that it" he fumbled on his words "that it was my fault." he could have convinced me too "i know he trusted his brother and-"

nick had stood and now had a firm hand placed on clay's shoulder. "i'm sorry dream," he didn't really mean it "but i'm not going to let you act like this is your fault." the blonde turned, eyes meeting the youngers. nick's eyebrows were furrowed. 

"i'm sorry." the older pleaded weakly, eyes warbling as the filled with tears. the brunette embraced him, rubbing organic shapes onto his wide back. 

"listen chat," nick spoke carefully, not wanting to speak for his friend. "i only know what dream's told me, and i can tell you that kristen twisted everything that happened because he believed his brother. they were teenagers at the time and jason was a fucking adult-"

"sap." it was clay's turn to hiss. he turned toward the mic, letting go of the brunette carefully. "kristen was told that it was my fault and has been making me pay to keep this secret safe, saying it'd ruin my career. the only reason i continued to pay him was because i knew if he said anything, someone out there was going to believe him and it would spiral. i tried to tell him what happened, but he always believed his older brother. i can't blame him for this, i refuse to."

"just don't blame yourself." george spoke softly. clay hummed, silent dollops of tears spilling from his eyes. 

"i don't blame myself." he stated weakly, though it felt untrue. 

pulling clay close once more, nick spoke up. "i'm sorry how unorganized this was. none of use really planned ahead." he tried to explain as the lanky boy buried himself into the brunette's embrace. "i'm going to go ahead and in this, i don't think dream can do this any longer." his hands ruffed through clay's hair gently. "i'll help him make a formatted twitlonger about this later or something." his voice was only gruff as he read a crude message in chat that he prayed clay hadn't read. "that's it for now. thank you for listening everyone." nick ending the stream quickly, closing all tabs and powering off his computer. 

"i'm sorry." the blonde mess in his arms choked out. all nick could do was hold onto the boy and hope he was providing some assistance. 

"clay don't be sorry." george's voice prodded out from clay's phone. "you did your best and that's all that matter alright?" when clay didn't respond, the brunette pressed on. "you hear me clay?" 

"mhm." the blonde managed, voice hurting his raw throat. 

"good." george hummed. clay could almost feel the boy's arms wrap around him. all he could do now was sob. all of the walls he had built up had been torn down to the ground and title waves of emotions flooded over him and spilling onto his friends. he hated how weak it made him feel but he knew it was healthy. 

and that was it. a sloppy end to the era of walls for clay. the walls that gave false protection were gone and as he felt his tears halt, and cheeks dry, he had never felt more free. this was nowhere near the only bump in the road he had to get over, but it was a big one, and it was gone. a smile covered his face while hidden in the crook of the brunette's neck. he felt much more confident of the problems ahead of him, more confident than he had ever felt. he finally burned the rope that was leaving open his biggest wound of all. he felt safe now as both his friends held him. he could do this, he wasn't alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ____________  
> a/n
> 
> bit of a sappy ending to book one i think  
> its alright i suppose :)  
> book two will be called the line's den and the first two (0,1) chapters of that will be posted soon so be sure to keep an eye out on my profile for it :D  
> thank you for all the support, i love you lot
> 
> word count: 2139


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